American Idol, Top 5 Elimination

1. What is up with Paula's boobs? They are approximately eleven times bigger than normal, and hoo boy are they out there.
2. I hate that stupid game that Ryan plays where the odd person has to choose the group he thinks he belongs with. I wish Adam had pulled an Archuleta and resisted the evilness. That said, I am totally shocked by Adam and Kris in the bottom three.
3. My assumption is that the judges gave Taylor Hicks a standing ovation because his song was over.
   
4. WHY IS ADAM IN THE BOTTOM TWO?! He is overall the most talented person on this show ever in the history of the world. I hate the voting public. I hate this show. I hate that I care. I hate everything.
5. Matt Giraud goes home. Good riddance.
   

American Idol, Top 5 Peformances

Five contestants, five numbered points. Should be easy, right?

1. Kris ditched the guitar and sang something kinda boring. So boring I don't remember was song it was and he finished singing it like five minutes ago. So boring I don't want to rewind to figure out what it was.
   
2. Allison sang a very controlled version of "Someone to Watch Over You." Kara, Randy, and Paula acted like Simon was insane for saying he didn't think Allison could win the competition at this point, which only served to point out (yet again) that Randy's stupid, Kara's drunk, and Paula's high.
   
3. Matt got a very weird face from mentor Jamie Foxx when he sang, and then Jamie Foxx decided to be insane (because, why not?) by not giving Matt any feedback, but then calling him back to tell him to change the key. Do you think the producers told Jamie to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to earn his American Idol keep? Bizarre. Okay, have you guys seen that stupid new show on ABC Family, Roommates? It's awful; don't watch it. But in one episode this weird kid finds a hat like Matt is wearing tonight with a spider on it. He says, "It's like if Justin Timberlake and a spider had a baby...that was a hat." This is what I think of when I watch Matt sing.
4. Gokey. God! (That was a cry of exasperation, not a cry of devotion. Just to clarify.) Jamie Foxx continued to go insane by spreading his arms wide and telling Danny Gokey, "You wanted to go like this, but then you look at me like he's looking at this..." and then he got all up in Gokey's grill and made him sing with their faces so close together that they were probably breathing in each other's carbon dioxide. I would ask here if Jamie Foxx is on drugs, but I don't really care. I prefer to believe that Jamie Foxx just gives all people the advice that they have to do their job with him completely in their face, distracting them. I wish he would come to my cubicle and stick his face in mine when I'm trying to send high priority e-mails. People would be like, "Why is Jamie Foxx in your face all day long?" And I would say, "He's teaching me to be awesome. JEEZ!"
   
5. Adam Lambert. God! (Now that's a cry of devotion, people.) Adam sang "Feeling Good." Even Jamie Foxxsmiled at Adam Lambert's AWESOME: "You don't care about who I am at all." Jamie Foxx is the most humble man alive. I think Adam Lambert is like a drug, okay? I'm always going to get something out of him, but I think I've built a tolerance to him. He didn't knock my socks off, but that's because for Adam Lambert to knock your socks off he's gotta take it to like one hundred gajillion percent. Of course, it was good. (Is that even a question when Adam's name is up?) It just wasn't...PHENOMENAL.
   

American Idol, Top 7 Elimination Redux

1. And so the question of whether or not Adam Lambert can dance has been answered. That dude's got rhythm. Can he do any wrong in my eyes? Tune in next week to find out! Also, the question of whether or not Paula has any shame has also been answered. She does not. She put herself in the dance routine. Next question.
2. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Adam Lambert washed a dog in the Ford commercial. SQUEE!
3. Mr. H: "Tonight I learned that if you are not a white male, you have no chance on American Idol."
4. My local FOX commercials tag: Check out the new look Susan Boyle is sporting...on the streets. (Seriously, they put emphasis on "streets." This is the first time I have ever wanted to watch FOX news. Because really, what the hell is she wearing NOW?!)
   
5. It's really too bad for Allison that little girls are evil and only vote for cute boys. Otherwise she'd be rocking this shit, because we all know that the only people who vote for American Idol are twelve-year-old girls and my mom.

American Idol, Top 7 Performances Redux

1. Adam Lambert has officially earned the right to do whatever the fuck he wants. Dude's amazing.
2. Nice facial hair, Anoop. Too bad we won't be seeing you on TV when it finally grows in ten years from now.
3. What was in Kara's cup? She tried to make Ryan stop when he grabbed it, and then he recoiled after tasting it. Gin, vodka, bourbon? What do you think is Kara's poison of choice?
4. I liked Alison's vocals, and honestly, I didn't hate the arrangement. But I'm the only one. I was digging it during the performance, but Mr. H grimaced like he was in pain.
5. Lil Rounds is damned if she does, damned if she doesn't. She sings a ballad, they tell her she isn't R&B enough; she sings something with a beat, and they tell her that she didn't pick a song that shows her vocal control. If I were Lil Rounds, I would seriously fling myself off the stage, screaming, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?!?!" It's absolutely ridiculous what they are doing to her; I think she's fabulous.

American Idol, Top 7 Elimination

1. Kara DioGuardi literally said, "Yay!" when Ryan announced her name.
   Dear Kara,
   It is lame to "Yay!" yourself. I'm sorry that you are not getting the attention from the fans and your fellow judges that you need and feel you deserve. Not shut the eff up and watch the show. Silently.
   Sincerely, Pop Five
2. Though I was pleasantly surprised that the Idols appeared to be singing live during the group song (doing the thing that, you know, they're supposed to be doing), I was disappointed that Adam was definitely the worst in the bunch. What's up with that?
3. I hate Zac Efron's hair. I hate his stupid, slouchy hats even more.
   
4. Miley Cyrus has a bad case of the mush-mouth. I did not understand a single word that she sang. Not one single word. She could have been sing-whining about Radiohead for all I know. Jeez. (Mr. H says that when you sing like that, it makes the tone of your voice sound better. His conjecture is that she's doing it on purpose. My conjecture is that it's not working, which was evident from the blood flowing from my eardrums by the end of the song.)
5. I was really shocked by Matt Giraud's aborted ouster. First of all, I kinda like him. And I really thought Anoop was done. Second of all, what a waste of the save. Why save someone that has no shot at winning? I do not understand these new-fangled devices the AI producers keep throwing at us.
   

American Idol, Top 7 Performances

Lucy the insatiable Labradoodle is not pleased that I'm trying to type up this post. She keeps sticking her nose under my hands as I type. It's not easy to fend off a fifty-pound dog with no concept of boundaries.

1. The concept of two judges judging at a time is lame. Just schedule appropriately Fox. Why is this so difficult? I honestly don't understand.
2. Armageddon (the movie, not the apocalyptic event) in any context makes me giggle uncontrollably.
3. Even when Adam Lambert does something effing weird, you can't help but love it because his voice is out-of-this-world amazing.
4. Matt Giraud is cute. In another, Adamless, season, I might even root for him.
5. I really don't get the Lil Rounds hate that Simon is spewing, which makes me vaguely uncomfortable. Because I never disagree with Simon. Ever.
   

American Idol, Top 8 Elimination

1. America just wasn't ready for Scott's brand of punk rock.
2. So, did the make-up artists borrow Adam's glitter for the Ford commercial shoot to save money? Because we are in a recession.
3. Just to be clear: We have an hour-long episode on Tuesday that runs over by ten minutes, cutting off one of the best performances of the season from most people's DVRs. Meanwhile, we're going to go ahead and keep the hour-long results show on Wednesday. If, Fox, you're intent on keeping Wednesdays padded, why not just add an extra half-hour on Tuesday where it really counts?
4. Scott hasn't been great in weeks, so Paula and Kara's undying loyalty to him made me feel vaguely uncomfortable. Sort of like when your racist friend goes out of his way to be super polite to your black friend? Everyone knows what's going on and everyone is uncomfortable.
5. I hate that Flo Rider song more than words can convey.

American Idol, Top 8 Performances

1. The Internet told me that Paula's contract is up this season. Is this the reason she has become suddenly coherent and seemingly insightful? (I said seemingly.) Her responses are obviously scripted, but at least she's making an effort--right?
2. I can't recall Simon ever giving a standing ovation before.
3. If Mr. H wasn't the smartest person living in my house, my DVR would have cut off during the FINAL COMMERCIAL BREAK. That is, before Adam (the Awesome) sang. Not cool, Fox. If you're going to run an episode long, at least put Scott in the final slot then. And next week, when Scott isn't around, you can probably just go ahead and start scheduling Gokey in the Fringe slot. I won't mind.
4. That said, I think Scott's done. I guess mainstream America just isn't ready for blind punk-rockers.
5. "Mad World" is one of those songs I can never get out of my head. Ever. It's a great song, but it also reminds me a lot of when Donnie Darko came out and everyone put the lyrics to this song on their AIM away messages when they went to bed. Because we were so. deep.