But, television is a fickle beast, one that reinvents itself every week. So if I want to talk about television, it's imperative that I do so immediately. Bah humbug.
- So now that Lily and Rufus are engaged (FOR REALS THIS TIME), Dan and Jenny are living the high-class life. For Dan, this means a designer wallet filled with hundreds, a limo at his disposal, and three-thousand-dollar suits. All of which, of course, he must lie to Vanessa about, because no self-respecting Brooklyn teen who wants to knock on Normal Mailer's formerly owned door could admit that, hey! Having a limo at my disposal is awesome!
Vanessa gets angry that Dan is lying to her, and goes to a polo match to confront him. (I will never get enough of the social events in Gossip Girl. Polo? Seriously? Okay, I'm in.) But then she gets all righteous and tells him to go back to being Brooklyn!Dan, the Dan who was her friend. Which is not even what she was mad about in the first place. Lying is an acceptable thing to be upset about; Dan riding in a limo because it's offered to him is not. - Blair and Chuck, meanwhile, are playing games to keep their love life spicy. I have to admit that the original incarnation of this game--Chuck picks up a girl, and Blair plays the bitchy and shrill scorned girlfriend--amused the pants off of me. Blair and Chuck are the game-playing type, and it makes sense to me that they would do this. But then it all went to hell. Blair becomes convinced that Chuck is cheating on her--yawn--and becomes so insecure it was painful to watch. When Blair is insecure, she is supposed to be evil and conniving, not whiny. That is how her character has developed, and I don't really care for a whiny Blair. (And I don't think Chuck would either.)
- I love Joanna Garcia so much that I want to squeeze her. I was so nervous that she was going to go back to being a blonde after Privileged was canceled, but luckily my prayers to the pop culture gods have been rewarded. Still a redhead! And a gorgeous one at that.
Joanna is playing Bree Buckley, Nate's new love interest who apparently comes from a rival politico family. They spent an amazing, whirlwind, romantic summer traveling throughout Europe, never once learning each other's last name until they notice that she's a Buckley and he's an Archibald, thanks to those handy-dandy signs that are all the rage amongst chauffeurs these days. Bree and Nate immediately snipe at one another about all the awful things they did to one another as children. Now, I can suspend a lot of disbelief, but this is stupid. You meet a gorgeous redhead named Bree with seemingly unlimited funds since she's hanging with your van der Bilt ass full of money in Europe, and it never occurs to you she might be the same Bree you knew as a kid? Exactly how many Brees are there in the upper echelons of society? I can't believe it is a particularly popular name; I mean, who names their princess daughter after cheese?
Later on, Bree divulges her secret: Her family has cut her off. Someone explain to me how this girl has ANY money to gallivanting around Europe, let alone attend Columbia grad school. (Because remember, student loans do not exist on Gossip Girl.)
- Serena spent the summer partying it up in Europe, getting her photos splashed across every single tabloid that exists because her daddy wouldn't acknowledge her when she went to go see him. No, seriously. That's why. Home from Europe, though, the paps are following her everywhere, and she obliges them with show after show. She unties her top, she rides off on a horse at a polo match, she does Carter Beizen in the forest. (Does poison ivy negate herpes?)
Carter's the only person who knows that Keith Vee Dee Dubs denied Serena, and he's been following her around trying to get her to talk about it. Because Carter is a semi-nice guy now. Serena wants to continue avoiding the obvious--like all of us do, really--and instead tells Dan that Carter is stalking her.
Crazy, n'er-do-well Serena is my favorite character on the show (remember when she pulled off Blair's headband at Yale? Swoon.), which is a travesty since crazy-eye Serena is often stifled by stupid-face Dan. So I'm just going to roll with the whole, "I'm bad because Daddy doesn't love me," storyline, especially if it gives us more opportunities for Blake Lively to deadpan, "Oh, right. Because you're stalking me."
- I've saved the best, the creepiest, the weirdest for last. Scott, aka Rufus and Lily's son, who shall henceforth be known by me as Dufus because he is Rufus's son and keeps making the stupidest faces I've ever seen.
Dufus has spent the summer cozying up to Vanessa, because stalkers stick together. He persuades her to take him as her date to the polo match, which she does because she is oblivious. And also, because she is Vanessa and inviting some random along for the hell of it is right up her alley. So while Vanessa is busy being mad at Dan for the wrong reason, Dufus chats up his secret daddy. When Rufus and Dufus stand near one another, it's like the hair product scions weep with pleasure. It's also like they're twins, but not just because they look alike. No, because they're both idiots. Rufus offers up his guitar-plucking fingers for Dufus to shake, but Dufus just stares at him. It is the creepiest thing that has ever happened on a single episode of Gossip Girl, including the 18.5 million times Chuck tried to rape someone.
So then Dufus apologizes for his creepiness by fangirling all over Rufus, claiming to just adore Lincoln Hawk. Which Rufus believes, because he is Rufus and can't imagine a world in which a 20-year-old presumably born in 1989 wouldn't be the biggest fan ever of Rufus's stupid band that existed at some mythical point where the 80s and 90s convened and had a baby known as the 890s. For all I know, the 890s happened last year, which would explain how Dufus has even heard of Rufus's stupid band. Actually, that would also explain Rufus's tour last year. Whoa! I just solved the Gossip Girl time-space-continuity paradox. WIN!
Conclusion: Everyone has daddy issues, though Gossip Girl calls this "transition." Riiiiiight.
XOXO
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